All About Your Child

Everyone during their childhood is bound to be afraid of something. The dark? The thunder? Insects?

How would you normally handle such a situation? When the lightning strikes, your child runs to you with his hands pressed on hard on his ears, saying “Mommy, I’m scared, mommy…I’m scared…”

Most parents would naturally hug the child and say “Don’t worry its just the thunder. It will not hurt you.”

Then goes another lightning and your boy stays in your arms to get as much security as he could. Are you going to let him stay that way till the rain stops? What if it rains the whole day, wouldn’t you want to get rid of his fear?

First, you must understand that your child is not a coward when he is afraid of something. He is just being unsure of what is going to happen.

Explaining is the cause of his fear, in this case, the thunder, is important. Let him know why there is thunder, why do thunder sound loud?

Then, change his fear to something that all kids love – FUN! I did this tactic on my boys, 4 and 2 years-old. It worked. There were several things they were afraid of at first, but now the feeling of fear against these things are long gone.

Thunder ~ we turned it into an outburst of acting silly. When the thunder came, I started to make funny noises and flap my hands in mid-air. Did it for a few times, the kids started to laugh, then they followed. So now it has become a thunder dance, whenever the lightning flashes, they are up on their feet getting ready for the outburst of energy. And when the thunder really came, my kids would be making funny sounds and swinging their whole body uncontrollably. And when its gone, they sit down and wait patiently for the next one.

Dark ~ we simply get illumine sticks. Lots of them. Allow them to stay in the dark to play with the illumine sticks.Get them to explore the dark with a torch light. Let them know that it can be fun in the dark too. For children who fear the dark, its a lot of reflection on the parents or caretakers. Children by nature are not afraid of dark. The fear is usually due to the misconception that parents give to their child through stories, like “ghost always comes out in the dark”, “there is a monster waiting for you in the dark room”. Beware of what you teach your kids. You may unintentionally introduced fear through your actions and words.

When the parents show that the thing that the kids are afraid of is actually fun, the kids just follows, remember children are natural mimics.

Is your child afraid of something?

Kids are the best models for “monkey see, monkey do.”

Parents are children’s idol. Your child loves you, adores you, respect and may even fear you, all jumbled up…Often, they just copy what you do, how you do it, what you say, how you say it, without really thinking why.

To them, since you are their idol, whatever you do MUST be right, or cool, or safe, or fun…They just want to be like you. Unknowingly, even after they grew up, they still behave the same way, more or less, as you.

Whenever I see my boys doing things the way I do, or even speaking in my style; I can’t help but rememeber the story told by T. Harv Eker in his book, The Secrets of The Millionaire Mind….

“A woman who prepares a ham for dinner by cutting off both ends. Her bewildered husband asks why she cuts off the ends. She replies, “That’s how my mom cooked it.”

Well, it just so happened that her mom was coming for dinner that night. So they asked her why she cut off the ends of the ham. Mom replies, “That’s how my mom cooked it.”

So they decided to call Grandma on the phone and ask why she cut off the ends of the ham. Her answer? “Because my pan was too small!”

See? Kids just copy what they see. So please, dear parents all over the world, including myself, watch how you behave, what you say in front of your kids. They are so observant and learn so fast. Before you know it, your style is rooted in them.

Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be.
~David Bly

Almost everyday, I can see from the newspapers that a child is reported missing. I think it is important to let your child be safety smart when he knows how to articulate his words.

My heart is aching as I type this down…. I lost Binbin in a shopping mall before. At that time, Binbin was only 26 months old. I was paying for his father’s birthday cake and when I was done, only Keatkeat was beside me.

Keatkeat was too busy looking at the cashier putting the cake in the box, he didn’t notice where or when did Binbin walked away.

We searched the entire basement 1 of Jurong Point Shopping Mall, I just refused to believe that Binbin would dare to go up the escalator on his own. I was fighting back my tears, my heart was pounding harder as I dashed in and out of every shop without any sight of Binbin.

I was just too “Ahhhhh…” that I didn’t even thought of going to the information counter to report the missing child. It was the security guard that grabbed my arm and said, “are you ok? Can I help?”, then I realised how flustered I was.

Immediately went to level one information counter and gave a full description of Binbin. Rushed back down to B1 to continue my search, its really not easy to find a kid that was only 0.8m tall on a busy Saturday in a shopping mall.

A few minutes later, my phone rang, the caller told me that my child was found and is waiting at the info counter.

My tears just flowed when I saw how hard Binbin was crying. Hugged him, kissed him and kept saying, “I love you very much, please hold my hands at all times…”

For kids below 4 years old, its good to write the parents phone numbers, at least, on a piece of paper and stuff it in his pocket or get a small tag, hang over his neck like a necklace.

For kids above 4 years old make them memorise you and your spouse’s handphone numbers and the home address. Teach him to use the telephone.

Let your child know that when he realise he is lost, he must stay exactly where he is and explained that it will be easier to look for him faster. Or inform a security guard, if he sees one, that he is lost.

Teach your child that other than the security guard, any other stranger who tries to coax your child to follow him, your child must yell, “I don’t know you, you are not my mother or father, go away!”

These tips are not excuses for parents to be inattentive to their children when they are outdoor, rather it pays to arm the child with these basic safety knowledge when emergency arise.

How many of you feel that your child is not close to you? Refuse to share his thoughts with you? Or doesn’t even want to sit down and have a chat with you?

Seriously, if your answer to the above questions is Yes, Yes and Yes! There are 7 questions you really need to ask yourself. As parents, its our responsibility to give our child all the love and care they deserve, if you have not been giving the basic to your child, please do not expect much from them.

Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~Jesse Jackson

1- How much time do you give your child? Your child feel loved when you spend time with him doing things he love. Playing, reading, singing, watching cartoons or simply just acting silly at times. Everyday, set aside a ‘child-bonding time’.

During this time, please, put your work, your worries and all other committments aside. Be fully involved. Through actions, your child will definitely draw closer to you.

If there is a day you cannot spend time with your child, give him a call, not to inform him, but to chat with him just for a few minutes to show that you are sorry and you miss him.

If ever you made a promise to your child and you could not fulfill it, please make it up to him. This is very important. You are teaching your child integrity by fulfilling your promise in another way. For example, you promised to be present in his school sports day and you could not make it. Make it up to him, by bringing him to a place he enjoy or have dinner with him in a special restaurant.

2- How often do you talk to your child? Communicate is the word. Not one-way talking where you talk and your child listen. But rather let your child speak and you listen. Give opinions, feelings and ideas and not rebuke and lecture.

I have always emphasized, understanding your child is the essence to an enjoyable parenting life. But how can you understand your child if he wasn’t given a chance to let you come into his world and share his world with you?

Communication is not just a talk and listen process, it includes body language too. When was the last time you hug your child, give him a pat on the back or a kiss on the cheek? Actions speaks louder than words. And never forget to tell him, “I love you”.

3- When was the last time you laugh with your child? Laughing together over the same thing shows that the two of you really enjoy each other’s company. That is definitely a plus point in bond building. Take time to play with him. Its not the toys that matters, its the enjoyment that counts. The bond that you are building now will last a long time even as your child matures.

4- How involved are you in your child’s problems? Remember, your child looks up to you. In the early years of his life, especially when he starts to go school, there will always be obstacles that he finds it hard to get over.

Always listen to the whole story, repeat the problem back to your child to make sure that you do understand first, before giving suggestions. Never pre-judge.

Help to develop your child’s ability to solve problems too, by asking him about his feelings, his view and any possible solutions he has thought of. Allow your child to think through each solution, ask him what he thinks would be the likely consequences to each option.

Decide on the most appropriate solution together. A closer bond is built when the two of you can overcome the problem as a team.

5- When was the last time you complement your child? All humans love to hear nice words said about themselves. For children, praising them not only lift up their spirits, but also act as a great motivator to continue to do good in the eyes of his parents.

Please praise him with all your heart without a ‘but’ at the end of the complement. For example, “I love your colouring, but why is the elephant pink in colour?” Its more like throwing a wet blanket. Be clear of what you are complementing him of. Instead of saying, “good boy”, try to say, “good job, you kept all your toys back into the box, its so neat now.”

6- How sensitive are you to his feelings? Do you notice that your child is not smiling? Do you notice that he is not behaving as he always does? Or is he exceptionally joyful today? Ask him what is the thing that is causing such a reaction in him.

Let him talk about his feelings, listen to him, make sure you understand his feelings by saying, “it seems to me that you are unhappy with your teacher for scolding you in front of the whole class.” Let him have a chance to clarify his feelings, if your understanding was wrong. Your actions here is really telling him that you want to understand him better.

7- How much due freedom are you giving your child? Some parents are just too busy with their work and could not be bothered about their child. Other parents are too afraid that their child will get themselves in any trouble and gave no room for independence.

In all things, balance is important. You can let a young child to play at the playground with his friends under supervision. A teenager can be given more freedom in his activities but with the parents keeping track of his whereabouts and the friends he is with.

Remember, it takes two hands to clap when it comes to building any relationship. It will always be easier for the parents to start bridging the gap early than for the child to say, “Mummy, can you spare me some of your time?”

If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much. ~ Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

“Please put away your toys now and eat your dinner”, you say to your child. A few minutes later, your child still refuses to stop playing with his toys. He begins to throw a tantrum when you try to stop him.

Sounds familiar? As parents, we have to deal with misbehaviour from children from time to time. How do we encourage good behaviour in children, and how do we discourage bad behaviour? How can we discipline our children effectively?

15 quick tips for disciplining a child:

1 – Tell a child what he should do and not what he should not do in a calm voice.
Try to say it softly but stern tone, “Keep your hands to yourself”, instead of “Don’t Touch”. Remember why a child doesn’t respond to “Don’t” or “No”, if not, read here.

2 – Show a young child how to behave properly by explaining and showing how it should be done.
“Put your toys into the box carefully like this….” and demonstrate.

3 – Give the child some preparation time before he has to carry out the instruction.
“You have 10mins to play before dinner time. When time’s up, can you put your toys back into the toy box and have your dinner?”

4 – Discuss what will happen if he misbehaves, always deal with the behaviour, not the child.
“If both of you continue to argue over who should have this toy, the toy will be removed from the 2 of you.

5 – When the child behaves well, reward him immediately to reinforce the positive behaviour.

6 – Praise, smile, give a pat on the back or hug him. Give small treats occasionally but make it clear that material rewards will not be given every time.

7 – Never tell a child upfront that rewards will be given for good behaviour.
“If you are a good boy, I will buy you an ice-cream.”
This results in behaving the right way for the wrong reason and would caused the child to think that its a must to be rewarded when he behaves.

8 – Withdraw privileges if the child still do not obey.
For example, If the child refuses to eat his dinner because he wants to watch cartoons, switch off the television.

9 – Impose responsibilities, especially for older children.
You can try to ask the child to clean up the mess if he throws a tantrum and creates a mess.

10 – Scold only when appropriate, that is when all other steps failed to work. Hold the child’s shoulders with both your hands, look at the child at eye level, tell the child clearly and sternly why he is scolded and how he should change. Remember to scold him for the action, not him.

11 – Reconcile with the child and let him know that you love him, it’s his behaviour you don’t like.

12 – Never scold the child in public. Bring him away from the scene where he misbehaves to a quiet place. Talk about the unacceptable behaviour. Alternatively, say that you are bringing him home now because of the action he did.

13 – Match the type of discipline with the child’s behaviour. Choose a method that is suitable for the age and the maturity of the child.

14 – Discuss with your spouse and the child’s grandparents on the aspects of disciplining. Work as a team and be consistent, so that the child knows that no matter who is with him, the tolerance level and the style of punishment for the same action remains the same.

15 – Never disagree with the adult, who is scolding or punishing the child, in front of the child. This cause confusion and the child will find it harder to accept that what he did was wrong.