All About Your Child

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. ~ James Baldwin

Toddlers would be referring to the age of 1-3 years old. This is the time when they learn so fast but yet still could not really express fully and clearly what they want or need. The following are the usual 3 situations where most parents would find it hard to handle their toddlers.

1 Whining

If your child whines when she wants something, encourage her to stop whining and ask nicely. “Mavis, stop whining for a drink, ask nicely.”

Show her how to ask properly. “Mavis, tell mummy….’mummy, can I have a drink, please?’”

Use a pleasant voice and praise your child when she has done what you have requested. “Well done, Mavis. You have asked very nicely. Yes, you can have the drink.”

2 Going Shopping

Before you go into the shop with your child, remind her of the rules you would like her to follow.

“Stay close to mummy and daddy.” “Ask mummy and daddy first before you touch anything.” “Walk when you are in the shop.”

Suggest rewards if your child follows the rules.”When you do what mummy and daddy tell you, we will bring you to the playground after we leave the shop.”

Remember, always praise your child when she did well.

3 Resisting the seat belt

Many toddlers strongly object to being confined in a car seat, especially if they are physically active.

The best time to start using a car seat is when your child is still a baby and to put your child in a car seat every time, without exception, she travels in a car.

Make “belting up” a habit, instead of an instruction. This would come naturally if the habit started when she is a baby and she can see that you, her role model, belt up too.

If the habit was not established since young, then you will need to tell your child that she could climb into the seat herself, or you will put her in. Follow through and put her in the car seat if she doesn’t climb in herself.

Look for good behaviour and offer praise when your child cooperates. “Great job, Mavis, good girl. You can climb into your seat yourself.”

Reward good behaviour. Say in a pleasant voice, “When you’re in your car seat, you may have a sticker.”

Empower your child. Let your child choose a favourite “car toy” to take in the car. Make sure the toy is safe and soft so that it does not hurt anyone if you stop the car suddenly.

Children learn by modelling. Show her how you put your seat belt on.

Toddlers respond best to the tone of your voice, not the words you say. So practice to manage your own emotions, take control of your tone.

The purpose of discipline is to encourage rather than forcing children to do what is right….

1. Establish firm and clear rules

Rules should tell children what to do rather than what not to do.

Do you know that even us, adults, DO NOT ‘recognise’ the word “don’t“?

Try this experiment…

Find anyone whom you consider an adult. Let the person sit down, close his/her eyes. Now you tell the person, “Don’t think.. never think… must not think… cannot think…DO NOT even try to imagine……………………a Tiger.”

Guess what pops right out of the person’s mind? A tiger! Somehow, human brains focus on the subject, the topic, the action….

So when you tell your child …. “Don’t run!”, he/she hears “run!”

Try to say … “Stop! Walk.”

And when you tell your child…. “Don’t hit your brother!”, he/she hears “hit your brother!”

Try to say….”Stop, put your hands down. Ask your brother for the toy.”

This has been working for me for as long as I remember…just avoid “Don’t, never, can’t, mustn’t”. Give the direction to do what is right, not instruct to not do what is wrong.

When you tell the child, “Stop!” doing what is inappropriate, you need to “replace” the inappropriate action with the correct behaviour.

Don’t just say…”switch off the Television, right now!” without giving another action to replace this.

Try to say…”Switch off the Television, right now, let go to the kitchen, I need your help to get dinner ready”

In this way, the child knows what to stop doing and what to do next. He needs direction, especially for kids below 5 years old, in order to give you his cooperation.

Children need limits to their behaviour to learn what is expected of them and how they should act.

They may be unhappy and confused if they do not understand what is expected of them or when they see the rules as being unfair.

Rules should be fair, easy to understand and be backed up with consequences if they are broken.

Disciplining gets easy as the child gets older. He is more aware of the consequences of any misbehaviour if you have been consistent in your responses to his undelightful action.

This means being predictable so children will know what to expect when they behave in certain ways. It is of little use to laugh at their behaviour one day and then discipline them for the same behaviour several days later.

Confusion leads to incooperation, hence leads to frustration. So stick to the rules which you and your spouse have agreed on. It may be a little hearbreaking to see the cute little eyes turned red, but its a long term prevention for future more serious misbehaviour.

Remember, disciplinary measures need not be violent or physical when you understand why your child misbehave.

Report taken from World Health Organisation

Based on a true story.

A Father just bought a brand new car, drove into his garage, get out and look at it from every angle. He saved for a very long time… to own a car. He put his hands on the top of the bright red vehicle, slowly sliding his palm across. His face was glowing with excitement and satisfaction.

Just as he was still admiring his new love, his little boy came over, tapped on his trousers and called “Papa”. The father looked down at his son, lifted him up, swings him around, hugged him and said: “Look, son, we finally have a car, shall we go for a drive?”

“Let me inform your mummy first”, said the father. He placed his son down and instructed that the boy wait for him there with the car.

After awhile, as the happy man and his wife was heading back towards his car, he could hear a very distinct sound coming from the garage…’dong’ ‘dong’ ‘dong’. He ran over to make sure that his son was not hurt in anyway.

To his disbelieve, his child was holding a small hammer, pretending to be a mechanic, hammering away as he was going around the car! There were dents all over the automobile. He could not believe his eyes. As he sees the child continues, his shock turned to anger.

In a split second, he shouted at the boy. The child was startled, looked at his dad with a blank face, as he sees him charging over. The father grapped the hammer and the child’s hands, without any hold back, he hammered his childs’ hands with all his might as he screamed:” you like to hammer my car? I’ll show you how it’ll feel when the hammer is on you…”

The mum grapped the mad man, pushed him down to the floor….rushed her bleeding son to the hospital. The 3 years old boy’s fingers were crushed, the palms had to be amputated.

As he lies on the hospital bed, he saw his father’s tears, the child comforted the father: “Papa, don’t cry, I’ll buy you a new car when I grow up. I promise to be a good boy from now on. When I am a good boy, my hands will grow back, right?” After hearing the words of his only child, the father went home and committed suicide.

Below is a report extracted from World Health Organisation

How many times have you shouted at your child because of your negligence? In this case, the father could have carried him along to inform his wife. If so, would this misfortune be avoided? I have seen mothers raising their voice when they saw their child holding a marker, scribbling on the wall and the furnitures. In the first place, why was the marker within the reach of the children? Change your tone, not your volume.

How many times have you smacked your child because you were in a bad mood? Bad day at work? Tireness? Learn to manage your anger. Your child can never learn the right way if he was never taught how to do it right. Don’t vent your anger on your child, respect his ignorance. Respect that every action that a young child does is not meant to do harm. In this case, the child was just playing, pretending to be a mechanic. Did you know that the very 1^st time you hit your child, may result to an uncontrollable problem?I am aware of this danger because I was a victim and witnessed many of my friends who are much worse off than me. It usually starts off with a small slap on the palm, then the body, the face and it progress on to using objects to inflict pain.

It always begin as a warning to stop the child from doing what the parent didn’t like; then it became a habit and eventually it became natural; without you even noticing it! It’s dangerous to even start to lift a finger on your child.

Tip to discipline a child:

There are many ways to discipline your child. Over here, I would like to share a way for handling more serious misbehavior (children aged 2-10 years).

ü Use “quiet time” to stop a child from misbehaving. Ensure that this method is used for children who are old enough to understand its purpose.

ü Explain to the child that “quiet time” is a period for him to reflect on bad behavior. Tell the child why his misbehavior was unacceptable. Point out the correct behavior expected.

ü Let the child stay in a safe, isolated and boring place at home for a short while (1min for every year of the child, up to a maximum of 5mins). The child is to keep quiet and is not allowed to join in any activity. Never use a cupboard or storeroom for the “quiet time”.

ü If the child refuses to stay in the room or leaves the chair he is supposed to be on during “quiet time”, bring him back. You may even need to shut the door till he quietens down or behaves.

ü You must be prepared to persist with this technique and not talk to your child or give him any attention until “quiet time” is over.

ü After “quiet time”, talk to the child to ensure that he has understood your explanation. Reassure the child that he is loved.

ü Do not talk about the incident again. Encourage your child to find something else to do and praise him for this as you watch him.

ü If the behaviour occurs again, you will have to repeat “quiet time”. As the child learns the “quiet time” routine, he becomes quiet more quickly and “quiet time” is needed less often.

All children behave as well as they are treated.

- Jan Hunt