All About Your Child

The Best Punishment is not the cane,
its the silence of the Mother.
~ Angeline Foong W.L.

…..and probably the last, till many months or even many years later as a punishment…..

The boys remembered the 5 golden rules I laid down when they went for their very first movie. Unfortunately, they broke rule number 5 this time….

Remember my 4 free movie passes I received after the event with the Health Promotion Board? Yes, we put them to good use today for the earliest show of “UP“ in AMK HUB this morning.

Keatkeat didn’t join his class for the  trip to the zoo today so he had ‘holiday’. We explained to him that he had been there a couple of times this year and had so much fun because of the long hours spent there. Whereas the class is going there for just 2+hours and most importantly, they were NOT going to the WaterPlay area. So Keatkeat was no longer interested.

So instead of practising ‘joining-the-dots’ in school today, Binbin was with us enjoying the movie at 11am. They love it and so did we. Its really cool to be in a cinema when there are hardly anyone around, because of the time of the show > TOO EARLY!! *giggle*

And for buying the set of popcorn + drink, we kept the cup and got this beautiful ‘shaker‘, as souvenir.

The boys kept turning it upside down and back just to see the colourful ‘balloons’ fall like snow…*smile*

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The final list posts of my 2nd Hospitalisation in my personal blog:-

2nd Hospitalisation Day 1 of 7
2nd Hospitalisation Day 2 of 7
2nd Hospitalisation Day 3 of 7
2nd Hospitalisation Day 4 of 7
2nd Hospitalisation Day 5 of 7
2nd Hospitalisation Day 6 of 7
2nd Hospitalisation Day 7 of 7
1st review after 2nd Hospitalisation

I’m starting to wonder if expectations are the downfall of effective parenting.

Of cos, there is over-expectations and there is under-expectations. Where do you draw the line? ‘Good-Enough-Expectations’ that can motivate your child to move forward and yet not too over-consuming that he can’t even breathe. I’m finding that line…I’m struggling to find that line fast….

Its been a really tough year for us to handle the 4year old Keatkeat. Now that he is already 5+years old, we don’t see improvement, we witness deterioration.

Do you have a kid who develop ‘backwards’? I’m facing one everyday and by having another younger child who advances so rapidly, beyond his peers’ abilities, it just makes the retrogression of the elder child that much more significant.

From Motor skills to Habits to Learning abilities to Storing what was learned in his memory files, I see him moving the opposite direction. Below are just 4 examples out of many others:-

• He used to be able to semi-control his chopsticks, now he can’t even maneuver his fork and spoon!

• He used to put his milk bottle back on the table after drinking; now he just leave it lying beside his pillow and walked out of the bedroom.

• He used to be able to understand a concept with one simple explanation, sometimes even completing the unfinished sentence for me; now even after going through elaborate explanation several times over, he still can’t see the picture.

• He used to be able to absorb what was taught weeks or even months ago, now he has even forgotten how to write certain alphabets or write them in mirror image! Yes, it was NORMAL when he was in Nursery, but the whole year of K1, he had NEVER repeated such mistakes. Now that he is in K2, his standard has slipped back to where he was in Nursery.

How come? We (Allan and I) constantly question ourselves. We STRONGLY believe there is NOTHING wrong with him because there were still random occasions where he did the above the right way; So we believe its just another WEIRD transition period to test our parenting skills.

I’ve always believe parenting tactics SHOULD CHANGE as our children grow. What works on a pre-schooler may NOT work on a teenager. They are human, they are NOT robots; Antidote to one could be poison to another.

In the beginning, we thought it might be a way of ’stealing’ our attention from the loud rooster brother. So we changed DELIBERATELY, giving him more one-to-one time with us. Hugged and kissed him twice as much. But it never seemed ‘Good Enough‘, in fact it made him wanted such favoritism that much more; so much so that he started to put his brother down with sentences like, “Mommy loves me more than you!” No matter how many times we corrected that sentence the very next second.

As times passed, we changed our view, we thought he might have lost interest in what used to capture his attention. So we tested. But the more we conduct trials, the more we realized his couldn’t-be-bothered attitude magnified in multiple areas.

We amended our methods again, we were determined to find back the ever-so-keen-to-learn son. To our shock, we discovered he had mastered a powerful skill known as ‘I’m NOT Listening’.

You can tell him “Keatkeat, it should be done this way.” coupled with reasons, examples and even demonstrations. THE VERY NEXT MINUTE, he did the WRONG thing AGAIN! And this can be done as many times as my fingers on one hand BEFORE he did it right. Unbelievable!

We were heading nowhere. We sat down and discussed when they were sound asleep. My motto is ‘Understanding Your Child Eliminates Frustrations in Parenting’ and now I’m frustrated, ‘cos I don’t understand my Keatkeat anymore. When I don’t understand the cause of it, how then can I cure it?

Having a Scorpio-Goat son is a double dosage of indolence, jealousy and secrecy. It can be extremely strenuous to the boiling point with constant persuasion, with never-ending reassurance and continuous probing before you finally get him to be on the go again, to accept that his parents DO NOT belong to him and him alone and for him to tell you exactly what’s on his mind.

Having a son who gets sick so easily just made the challenge that much more intense. Envy me don’t you? ‘Surprises that increases my creativity’ are gifts from my Keatkeat every day.

What REALLY gets on my nerves is Persistently doing things that he KNOWS is NOT Likable.

From an eager-to-please boy, he has become an Irritating one now.

“Keatkeat, do you think we like what you are doing?” Often the very first question.

“No.” With a little guilty expression written on his face.

“Keatkeat, by doing ‘that’ how do you think we feel?” We questioned further.

“You don’t like. You will be angry with me.” Answer without hesitation.

“And you like us to be angry with you?” Seeking confirmation.

“No.” Affirmative.

“Why do you still choose to do it then?” Needing a good explanation

“I don’t know.” as he shrugged his shoulders.

We reasoned, we pleaded, we coaxed, we handed out punishments, we took away privileges. Nothing worked so far. He still does it when the mood-to-irritate comes knocking on his door again.

Exhaustion made me broke down a couple of times. Frustration made me flare up too often. Sense of helplessness made me said words I’ve yet to regret.

I’ve STOP expecting my ‘old’ boy to come back.
I’ve STOP expecting my boy to perform what a 5, 4 or even 3 year old can.
I’ve STOP expecting my boy to do things that he KNOWS is Right.

I realised the cause of all the frustrations was due to the mismatch of expectations to performance.

Am I giving up? I wish I could but I can’t, ‘cos if I – THE PARENT give up, who else will give my boy another chance? Many say I’m too skinny. When you exert so much energy every single day I guess its hard for the fats to stay for long. So even if it means to leave me with skin and bone, I’m not giving up.

Purpose of recording this down is with the hope of having a triumphant post in future….

Have you ever send your kid to the quiet corner OR reduce his/her allowances OR ban him/her from watching his/her favourite cartoons OR “You are grounded for a week!” OR even spank him/her till he/she shouts “Ok.ok.. I’ll never do it again.” ….But when the pain on the buttocks are gone, so did the memory and that promise…. Familiar?

It was the last Friday in December 2008, for the very first time, my boys did something that almost made me EAT THEM ALIVE!

“Me first!” “No! Me first” A common verbal fight went on that night in the kitchen. I ignored. Few seconds later two sprinters sped to the living room to fight for a ‘good’ seat infront of the PC for their favourite internet game on Playhouse Disney. (By the way, that’s in the past, now, they are only playing games using their Facebook account)

I heard the sound of water running. I sprung up and Damn! They were so eager to have that ‘main’ seat, both had refused to turn off the tap, fearing that the 1 second used in slapping down the tap handle, to stop the water flow, would be too costly to their vie for that VIP seat.

The tap handle was lifted to the maximum. The strength of the water was so great, sprinkles were ‘bouncing’ off from the basin to give my floor an uncalled for wash.

I rescued my floor in split seconds (my house isn’t that big anyway), turned my head and spit fire at my boys like an escaped dragon! I was so pissed!

What would you do after the fiery scoldings?

Water is Precious. Water is MONEY!!! I MUST make them understand how important water is. I HAVE TO make them know wasting water is throwing money senselessly. I AM DETERMINED to make them REMEMBER this mistake!

What would you do?

I TOOK AWAY THEIR FAVOURITE THING.

The look on my face had shocked my boys, they stood nervously infront of their play corner instead of fighting for that chair. “Binbin, what is Gorgor’s favourite HotWheels Car?! …. Keatkeat, and what is Binbin’s favourite?”

That’s the great thing about having 2! At times like these, they are eager to ‘help’ the disciplinary master. ‘Cos if you only had one, he will never want you to take away ‘THE favourite’, he’ll probably pass you the 2nd favourite!

I kept them high in the storeroom, but low enough for them to see with tippy toes, yet not low enough for them to touch. They are ‘trained’ well enough not to ‘rescue’ their ‘pets’ when the law-enforcer is not looking.

Since then, they will open the door everyday to peek at their favourites and then come over to me, “Mommy, did you scold me today?”

Yes, that’s their only lifeline – Be So Good for 24 hours, so much so that I DID NOT Scold or even raise my voice at you and you will get your favourite toy car back!

Days went passed. Weeks too. After 3+ months, Binbin DID IT! Yesterday was indeed a GOOD FRIDAY for him. My 4 year old was such a heavenly boy that I had to ask Allan to help me do the recall-QC and yes, the boy deserved to be rewarded.

Sigh…as for the challenging Keatkeat, instead of reaching for this goal, over the past 3+ months, 2nd and 3rd favourites had joined the 1st victim ‘behind-bars’.

So now, he had to Not be scolded for 24hours thrice before he’ll be able to get his top favourite blue car.

I’m saying that taking away the kid’s favourite things is the most effective punishment for my boys, ‘cos even the poor-memory-Binbin CAN remember why his red car was kept from him.

When I passed it to him, other than giving me a *Phew*-Finally-You-Are-Back-In-My-Palm expression, he assured me (without being asked), “Mommy, I will not waste water anymore, because water is important.”

For the first time, we decided to allow the kids to have half the amount collected from the ‘Hong Baos’ during Chinese New Year.

Yes, they had bought themselves a present each using that amount. But today, I’m not going to blog about that.

Ever since the decision was made, I insisted that each of them keep record of the movement of their money using a ‘budget book’. A simple book for them to look back at how much was spend and on what.

If ever, there comes a time when they don’t have enough for what they want at a shop, they can look back and realise that they had spent on things that were not so ‘needed‘ or not so ‘desired‘ or ‘could have been avoided‘; like what I want to blog for today’s post.

Keatkeat broke this in the shop earlier today, when we were getting stuff for Binbin’s birthday goodies bag.

As usual, his ‘itchy-flimsy‘ hands were meddling with it and it fell. The lady at the counter was trying to fix the wheel back, but failed. Allan and I told Keatkeat, “Keat, you have to pay for this now, because you broke it. We will pay for it first, but you’ll have to return the money to us from your piggy bank when we are home.” My 5 year old had no choice but to agree.

And so it was recorded.

*Sigh* Guess what? Keatkeat did not pay for HIS mistake only, he paid for OURS too.

‘Cos the wheel was NOT BROKEN!!! It merely slipped off! Both of us didn’t take over the Sharpener to have a closer look at it ourselves, we looked at the cashier who tried very hard to put back the wheel for about 30 seconds and we ASSUMED that it was really broken. *slap slap*

Anyhow, we never had such a big and fanciful sharpener before. Keatkeat loved it anyway, kept sharpening all his pencils even though they were still prickly sharp. His only complain was “If only it was Blue Colour.” *faint*

*Additional notes added on 25 march 7.09pm :

Me: “Keat, would you want to go back to the shop and change for a blue one?”
KK: “Don’t have blue! Only Pink and Green! I don’t like Green and even more don’t like Pink!”

(he had crystal-clear memory of what was on the shelf)

Back in March last year, when most of you haven’t found me in this super huge blogosphere yet, I posted something that ached my heart alot.

Allan has a friend whose daughter was ‘forced’ to be placed in a girl’s home by her own father. Full Story over here.

Recently, Allan had a client whose daughter is in girl’s home too. Similar fate. She was requested by her own parents to put her ‘behind locked doors‘. How sad. I did a post on Children in the past vs the Present. Are the kids of today harder to discipline? Or are the parents not getting involved enough with their child’s progress? The main focus was on Allan’s friend’s daughter’s behaviour.

But today’s spotlight is on a different girl, with a different issue. She is 16. Have a toddler. Unmarried. Haven’t got a clue who could be the father of the toddler. Now, she is pregnant again. Same thing. Too many sex partners. No one wants to take up the responsibility.

Her parents’ didn’t spare the rod on her.
But her skin has thickened over the years, the caning doesn’t hurt anymore.
Her bones have been tested so often, it has broken too many rods.
Her parents surrendered.
Instead of asking help from the Almighty in the heavens, they sought help from the mortals on earth – Girls Home.

*Deep sigh*

So go read those 2 posts if you have time, we are definitely in the era of ‘Challenging-Parenting’. Lots of ‘upgrading‘ on our side to meet the ‘standards‘ of today’s kids. Hmmm….

Full Story over here.

Children in the past vs the Present

Many of you know about my big struggle with Keatkeat over his sinusitis, which ‘helped‘ me wrote my longest post ever (3-days long): It took 7 months

I’ve got a feeling his ‘eating condition’ might spike off another huge challenge for me this year.

Ok, this is a CONTINUATION from these three posts:

1. ‘Eat Faster Please’ and
2. ‘Parenting Does Hurt Marriage’ and
3. ‘Clash of the Titans’.

I can’t believe that I’m typing this down. A simple daily thing that everyone does with ease has become a PROBLEM for my boy ~~~ EAT.

If you had read the 3 posts, you’ll know how stressful it is for Keatkeat and myself to eat with Allan. I thought things were better after my ‘proposed plans’:

• avoid dining outdoors
• avoid giving big chunks of meat
• avoid giving more than what he can finish
• serve him food only when he is hungry
• serve him food of his choice

In order to speed up his eating whenever we are dining with Allan, so please RULE OUT the possibility that he is not hungry or the food is not to his liking.

Well, they worked on some days and on terrible days they didn’t.

Recently, it had become worse. Its NOT happening on EVERY meal, but it happens every now and then, so much so that I’m getting really worried.

“Could it be a result of Allan’s punishment on him months back?” OR “Could it be just a development by itself without any reason?”

I DON’T KNOW! That’s what’s worrying…. if you know the cause, at least you can find the solution, if you don’t, there is no way you could ‘TREAT’ the root of the problem!

These are the ‘New‘ eating habits of Keatkeat, even if Allan is NOT AROUND:-

1. Eat a strain of noodle at a time.
2. Can only take in 1/2 spoonful of rice, anything more, he’ll gag.
3. Always in a daze.
4. Twirl the fork/spoon in mouth.
5. Look everywhere except his food.
6. Sings
7. Talks
8. Stir the food in the bowl.
9. Dig his nose till it gets too agitated, he sneezes.
10. Have the need to pass motion in the ‘middle‘ of the meal.
11. Sighs and takes lots of deep breath.
12. He hardly finishes his share of food.
13. Stretches his body.
14. Supports his head on his palm, while elbow rested on the table top.
15. When we are out of sight, he pours the food away. Happened twice.
16. RUB HIS EYES : This is the HUGE SIGN that he wants to STOP EATING.

The following happens (INCLUDING THOSE HABITS ABOVE) when Allan is around:-

1. When he hears, “Eat Faster Or Else….”, he will scoop a big spoonful and STUFF it into his mouth, until he vomits. After he vomits, he is NOT going to touch his food, no matter what you say or do….
2. Woke up from his daze when Allan slaps his palm on the table or shouts.
3. Whenever everyone has finished their share, except him, he will give the I’m-not-gonna-eat-no-matter-what-happens Expression.

Allan being impatient, gives up and gives in. 2 things happen: -

1. Allan picks up the bowl and starts feeding him. OR
   
2. Allan throws away what’s left in his bowl/plate.

As a result, my 5 year old is not interested to feed himself and couldn’t finish what he used to be able to finish, months back.

These few days were worse. Whenever I ask if he is hungry, its “No” all the time, even though its 3 hours passed his normal meal time.

Keatkeat is only 5 cm taller than his 18months younger brother; but because of Binbin’s ’standing hair’, the difference look more like 2cm only.

If these carry on, very soon, it will be the other way round……*Sigh*

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not interested in their height difference, its just a passing remark. I’m worried about the UGLY habits, especially the gags and vomits…..

For most of you who have been ‘regulars’ here know what kind of person my MIL is. Whenever I talk about her, I’m never stingy on details *laugh*, but I don’t exaggerate ok!

Today when we were over there, as usual on Sundays, I witness something that made my heart feels good…. errrrmmm….even though I’m NOT supposed to…

My eldest BIL, whose family stays with her, is the ONLY one in the family who dares to shout at my MIL if he does not agree with her. And here’s the drama for today: -

Little 1 year old Weidong was playing with the sliding door that separates the kitchen from the living room. My MIL was worried that her grandson would accidentally hurt his fingers as he slides back and forth. After much scolding and warning the little cutie didn’t stop, she slapped his tiny hands. Weidong cried.

Few minutes later. When my BIL went into the kitchen, his son went back AGAIN to slide the door. This time, it wasn’t back and forth. He closed it completely, turned his head and gave a cheeky smile at all the spectators. I was waiting for a big reaction from my MIL.

Instead of another slap on his hand or scolding, my MIL laughed and clapped her hands, “You naughty boy, locked Papa in the kitchen eh?” *laugh*

My BIL slided the door opened and as he stepped out, he raised his voice at my MIL, “If I’m Weidong, I’ll be so confused! When I slide the door a moment ago, you scolded me and hit me. The next moment you are clapping and cheering. How in the world would I know if it is right to play with the door or not?!”

As usual, my cannot-be-defeated MIL started to answer with her nonsensical reasoning, “Just now he was sliding it back and forth. Now he didn’t, he just close it….”

Without giving her a chance to finish, my BIL snapped, “Aiya, you just don’t want to lose, just don’t want to admit that your actions are wrong. To Weidong, be it sliding the door back and forth or just close it, its the same! He still has his hands on the door!”

MIL felt she was embarrassed infront of the whole family repeated her case again, but my BIL just walked back into the bedroom without a word, because he knows her too well. She just doesn’t want to admit that she is wrong. Since her target was not interested in the argument, she turned to the forever-harmless FIL and started her long speech. As usual, FIL didn’t say a word, just sat there and listen to all her ramblings…. *laugh*

I’m happy because I wanted to say that too! But it wouldn’t make much impact as compared to my BIL, ‘cos he is talking about his son, whereas Weidong is just my nephew…. *laugh* I’m evil in this sense…. Not that I like to see my MIL being yelled at, but its always entertaining to see her and my BIL, the 2 most temperamental beings in the family having a drama like this. *laugh*