All About Your Child

Oh no! Allan’s friend received a call from her elder daughter’s school, confirming her suspension, because she refused to stop her unacceptable behaviour.

Her dad was struggling emotionally all these weeks, ever since he has been called for so many times to her school to listen to all the unpleasant complaints about her daughter’s action. Which dad could really handle such situations calmly? Questions like, “Do you discipline your daughter? How is your relationship with your daughter? Are you aware of what sort of friends she mixes with? Do the 2 of you communicate often?….” were asked repeatedly on every meet-the-parent-session. It really felt like interrogation.

After meeting up with this man and his family personally that night, I noticed that this dad is a very understanding gentleman. If only they would have learn to communicate. He learnt the importance of good communication with children the hard way, so now he is spending as much time with his younger daughter as he can when he is not working.

The pride of a man, the pride of a father was totally gone when he decided to give up on his first child. He sent her to the Girls’ Home. No one told him to, no one suggested that, no one instigated in anyway, but the dad admitted defeat when the final call from her school confirming her suspension came.

He admitted that he was not able to communicate with her anymore, not able to control her behaviour, needless to say to change her behaviour, it would be like climbing Mount Everest, which only the experts are able to do it. And so he handed her beloved 14-year-old to the ‘experts’ to give her a ‘new life’. He is not really hoping for a metamorphosis, he understands the limits of how much the counsellor can do. The major part of the change must come from the girl herself.

There is a strong gush of sadness rushing towards me as Allan told me the story. I can feel the pain, the helplessness, the anguish, the embarrassment, the disappointment in the dad. At the same time, I can understand the resentment, the loneliness, the feeling of being unwanted and being misunderstood from the child’s point of view. She may also feel jealous and may had a grudge against her 4-year-old sister for ‘snatching’ her dad’s love away.

I had so many, so many of such friends and when they tell you their story, it brings tears to your eyes. The feeling of being castaway in them is very strong. They feel unloved in so many ways. Its very disheartening. Some felt they are being pushed to the limit and had so much hatred in their heart, they sought vengeance. Its very depressing.

Such a move was the last choice Allan’s friend had. He and his wife simply could not control her anymore. They grounded her so many times. But failed. They caned her, she builds up her grievance, her hatred towards this family. No parents would bear to see their children locked in the Girls’ Home. It is a Jail to the under-aged. Its the place where people from outside the gate see the girls as being condemned for life, who are rebellious, uncontrollable, hopeless and holding criminal records.

But the girls behind those gates are screaming, “why me? why me? why me? Why am I in such a family? Why my friends can have parents who love them? Why am I the one being caught? There are so many people doing what I am doing, why am I the unlucky one? Why am I not loved? Why, Why, Why?….”

The increasing number to such adversity is scaring me. In my post last week, I asked, “Are the kids of today harder to discipline? Or are the parents not getting involved enough with their child’s progress?”

I agree with the comments given, its the parents, who are so involved with their work. So who is the one really ‘teaching’ the kids about values of life? The maid, the care-giver, the teachers in the child care centre, the nanny, the grandparents.

What are the parents doing? Even Singapore see the need for the parents’ involvement in the upbringing of kids, by giving 3 months maternity leave for the mommy and 3 special days off from work for the daddy… But are these enough? Ultimately its how the daddy and mommy spend their time with the kids.

You can stay at home with the kids but read your newspapers, your child sits in-front of the TV, do you consider that as spending your time with them? How often do parents really listen to what the child have to say, instead of telling the child non-stop, “Listen, daddy and mommy is telling you this-and-that….” Communication is two-way, remember? When communication breaks down, relationship collapse. Agree?

Times have changed. Fashion have changed too. Even our basic living is different from the past. When the environment is different, our thinking changes too. But what about our values as parents and the way we teach our kids?

In the past, many of my grannies’ generation strongly believes that when you spare the rod, you spoil the child. In the olden times, canning a child in school is so common. Now, even when the teacher raised his/her voice at the student, he/she may be in danger of losing his/her job.

Today, Allan told me a story of his friend’s daughter, 14 years old. She had just received a final warning from the school principal. Why? Here’s the story….

“She doesn’t have any extra-curriculum activities, the school insists that its a must for all students to have at least one of such activities. She chose Girl-Scout. The teacher told her that she needed to go through an interview before she can join. Her reply, “No! I am not going for any interview, I have decided to join Girl-Scout and that’s final. If you don’t allow me to join the team, then, forget it, I’ll NOT be joining ANYTHING ELSE.” The teacher tried to explain nicely, but she walked off.

Then she started to bully students who are younger than her. There was a particular girl, a year younger than her, she disliked very much. On her blog, she wrote, FOR FREE F#*K, CALL SO-&-SO AT THIS MOBILE NUMBER. Man! Did that poor girl got lots of nuisance call? You Bet!

Allan’s friend, the teenager’s dad, confiscated her computer and started to read her blog as well as check on all the recent sites she has been to. None of the sites were meant for a young girl like her (that is if you know what I mean). The most heart-breaking info her dad found out was his eldest daughter actually went for a tattoo. She had a dolphin tattooed on her right waist.

Allan’s friend isn’t someone with a good temper, so heated quarrel went on for days…..”

Which kid would dare to argue with the teacher in the past? Which child would dare to do such a thing to their younger schoolmates in the past? Never! Are the kids of today harder to discipline? Or are the parents not getting involved enough with their child’s progress?