After reading Beck’s post and Erin’s post, I feel a sudden urge, a push and a slap on my back to say, to confess, to complain, to vent my anger, to release my emotions here, today….

Beck mentioned that she read something about various forms of bad parenting once, that there were essentially four ways of being an awful parent:
1) The plain old abusive parent, the parent who is physically and emotionally abusive and who neglects their child’s needs.


2) The parent who is very, very strict and in no way capable of emotionally connecting with their child – resulting in kids who only obey out of fear and who then go completely wild the second their parent’s back is turned.


3) The parent who is their child’s best friend, the one who wants their little muffin to never, ever suffer and who is incapable of setting even basic reasonable limits – so you end up with spoiled little creeps who fall asleep in front of the tv at midnight every night, and end up as unbearable adults, people with an overwhelming and unrealistic sense of entitlement.And then we come to four, which is very, very common, I think – the parent who actively parents until their kid starts seeming independent and semi-adult and then just vanishes from their kid’s life.I dare to say I DO NOT fall into any of the category and will never. But I haven’t been happy lately. I feel that I haven’t been what I wanted a Mommy to be for my boys. I have been saying, “NO” too often, too many times to my kids lately and I hate that!

It hurts me all the time whenever I said “sorry, I can’t” to the ever pleading voice of my boys, “Mommy can you play with me?”

I have been too stress up. Stress me with anything regarding children; them being sick, them being naughty, them being rude, them being uncooperative, them being unable to perform as they should in school, whatever, and I have no problem getting that done without feeling stressed up at all.

BUT DON’T STRESS ME WITH MONEY PROBLEMS!

If you are feeling really happy today, maybe its wiser to stop reading. My mood may cast a black cloud over your rainbow. If you don’t mind, then read on…..

I have had enough! I grew up with that feeling every single day since I was old enough to know what’s going on. That was like what? 6 years old? Think I got used to that feeling? NO! I do not. I thought things will change for the better after I got married, got out of my parents house, away from my mom.

But I was wrong, in attempt to help my mom settle her debts of 8 loan-sharks 8 years ago, we had to buy over the house to get cash out. Guess what, this same house’s fengshui killed my Dad and its depleting Allan’s financial soul ever since he stayed here. He was rich in some sense, till he moved in, all the businesses that we have done failed to bring in cash, instead we landed up in serious debt. We had to move, we had to get out of here. But not now when we are so in debt.

Blame it on our inexperience? Blame it on our luck? Blame it on the fengshui of this house being incompatible to Allan’s ba-zi? We had 3 different fengshui masters at different times over these past 7 years. Everyone said exactly the same thing! This house will only curse Allan, because every wealth position that will bring him luck is either in the toilet position or the sink position, all flushed away. All 3 said, no matter what we do, we will be financially tight.

But this year was said to be a good year for Allan, so we are keeping our fingers crossed. Hopefully, we can clear away all the debts incurred from our Bubble-tea business 7 years ago by end of this year. Then we WILL MOVE OUT OF THIS HOUSE!

I hate to see the credit bills, the red notes, the last reminders, the late payment fee every month. I am still beading away whatever beads I am left with for my consignees. I am still going for occasional low rent bazaars to clear my handmade accessories. But bazaars has become my last choice for source of income because of my mom-in-law’s decision to stop taking care of my sons one year ago. I dislike the feeling of “pleading” her to take care of them every-time I had a bazaar to go to.

She knows her decision was the main reason for our serious financial status now, so she would agree to take care of them for 1 to 2 bazaars per month during the day time. But whenever the 62 year-old is exhausted over the 5 kids (2 nieces, 1 nephew and my boys), she would snap, “Stop taking bazaars.” And so I had to stop for awhile till the old lady become conscious again of our situation and ask, “Why have you stop taking bazaars?” Her confused mind confuses me sometimes.

Allan started his property line less than half a year ago. A house sold today actually meant money coming in 4 months later. Its hard. He needs to go for courses, that needs money too. And when he is in a course = he is not selling houses = no money. So who is handling the bills and expenses in the household? Me!

The money from consigning my handmade accessories isn’t coming in fast enough for my monthly bills. So recently, through the help of my sister, I got to bring home some data entry staff. Its almost a brainless job, but it needs full concentration.

In preparation of Binbin’s birthday celebration last week, I couldn’t do much of this. Then Binbin became sick, I had even lesser time for this. I had 14,000 over lines to check with end April as the dateline and I know I am very much behind time.

Maybe I should even stop typing now. But blogging has not only become a habit, it has become a time where I could get away from everything and REALLY DO SOMETHING FOR MYSELF. This half hour, this 15 mins is My own secret time.

I haven’t been spending much time with Keatkeat and Binbin since this data entry came. Some may say, you can choose not to do it. Can I? Do I really have a choice? I need to feed the children, I have bills to pay not even mentioning about debts. I do not even have extra to put them at a child care centre where I can go out and find a 9-5 job. I need, must, I have to stay at home with them. I will do anything that allows me to have income without me being away from my boys.

Don’t get me wrong. Being a full-time housewife is my dream, my ambition. I was the first to get married among all my friends. I will probably be the only one who has become a full-time housewife, many of my friends dread that title. All my friends ask, “how is your life as a full-time Mommy?” My reply is always the same, “take away the money problems and I am in heaven!”

For the past month, I have become a Mommy I don’t like. Whenever I play with them, my mind is always thinking, “shit! I am behind time for my data entry. My consignees are chasing me for more stocks and I don’t have time to make new accessories either.”

My body is there with them. My hands are moving the toy car around the race track but my soul is not with them. That’s so horrible.

I try to let them self-entertain with cartoons programmes and internet games. Something I do not encourage because of my concern over their eye sight, yet I am doing it; so that I could have a few minutes or if I am lucky, an hour on my work.

I force them to have a noon nap, even when they woke up at 11am. When they woke up earlier than 2 hours, I sigh, because I had to stop my stuff and get back to keeping them company and do my Mommy stuff again!

I shouldn’t sigh. That’s not what I want! I want to have nap with them together, when they are awake, they see me right beside them, feeling assured, feeling secured; and NOT hugging their bolster, stomping their feet into the computer-room, “Moooommmmy….you working AGAIN???! Can you stop work now and play with me?!!!”

Who says parenting is easy? In terms of difficulty in getting the priorities right, time management, emotional control, its probably ranked #1 in the list of professions in the world.

I hate the ME NOW (or rather my $$$ situation now) so much…so much….

If you managed to read to this point. I really appreciate. Thank you for hearing my heart speak.