Clash of the Titans!
Child, Handling Misbehaviour, Parenting November 19th, 2008After my post yesterday, my sis had a chat with me over the issue. She was there when EVERYTHING happened, yet she was unclear of the hidden reasons behind Allan’s and my reactions. If she can’t even ‘see’ it when she was right there in the house, I think most of you didn’t too…
I feel the need to clear up the grey areas, even though I may seem to be Over-Doing this…its just me, I can’t bottle-up all the unhappiness, I need to ‘vomit’ them out till I’m completely well again! So here goes….
To Allan, SPEED is priority. To me, COMPLETION is more important. I don’t care if you finish your bowl of rice in 1 hour or 2 or even 3! So long as you finished it. My concern is the child has to be full. The child should ENJOY his food and not eat under stress!
To Allan, its a waste of time to sit at the dining table for 1 hour. But to me, WHOSE TIME IS IT ANYWAY? Its the kids’ time NOT yours!! And kids like to spend their time in enjoyment! Ok, sometimes when we do dine out, Allan finds it frustrating to sit there and wait for them to finish their food. His frustrations can explode when he sees the table beside us have already changed 3 groups of diners! To him, he could have used that precious time to print his flyers, call his clients or look through documents. FINE! I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT! But Monday was DIFFERENT!!! We were at home! He could print his flyers, call his clients or look through documents! So WHOSE TIME IS BEING WASTED THEN???!!!!
To Allan, if the kids get to choose what they want to eat, then there is NO excuse for eating it slowly. To me, able to choose what they want to eat gives them the enjoyment of eating! My MIL ever scolded me for giving the kids the power to choose what they want to eat. The old-fashioned woman thinks that we, as parents, should decide for the kids and not let them have freedom of choice at this age. So when the mother of my hubby thinks that way, you know the kind of conditioning that has been instilled in his mind. But to @#$% with that! Even adults can’t really swallow food they don’t like, why should children be deprived of the choice of food?! Anyway, Allan gave in to me on this issue after many many meals 2 years ago.
To Allan, the kids cannot drink and eat at the same time; drink ONLY when all the food is gone. To me, that was not how I was brought up. It took 2 years after dating him to change my eating habits. Surprisingly, my MIL always provide a small bowl of soup with rice for every kid during our Sunday Family day there. To my MIL, soup is fine, but not other beverages, not even plain water. I did a search on the net once and sad to say, its true that drink-as-you-eat do harm your gastric. Oh well, my gastric is terrible and who knows, maybe that might just be the cause of it. So for this issue, I gave in to him. So, kids don’t get to drink till they finish their food. He said, “If I could be brought up that way, there shouldn’t be a problem for our boys.”
To Allan, we need to train our boys to eat faster when they are still young, so that when they are in Primary school, they would be able to finish their food during the short recess period. To me, OH PLEASE!! When there is peer pressure, miracles can happen!! There isn’t a-teeny-weeny-bit in me worrying over this issue!
To Allan, feeding them can speed up their eating. To me, that’s creating laziness in them! My MIL (I have to keep mentioning her because the Allan he is TODAY is because of how my MIL brought him up) scolded me several times, saying that I should NOT allow them to feed themselves, because they take a longer time to finish and when the food is cold, its “moh-yek” (not nutritional for the body – in Cantonese) anymore. She kept saying that my niece was ALWAYS fed by HER (my MIL) at home, but after attending school she could feed herself so well now! OH PLEASE! My niece’s kindergarten provides food, like porriage or marcaroni and they are given 15mins to eat. So like I’ve mentioned above, when there is peer pressure, MIRACLES DO happen! But my boy’s school do not! They bring their own snacks and they are only given 5mins to eat! Oh please be fair when YOU (my MIL) make a comparison! *Urrrggghhhh*
Wouldn’t feeding them cause you MORE FRUSTRATIONS??!! Cos’ you are STUCK there and had to keep repeating, “Bite! Chew! Swallow! Eat Faster! Move Your Mouth!…” all the time! So why not just let them eat at a pace they are comfortable with and you are free to do your own stuff!?
Some parents prefer to feed their kids because they don’t like the mess created after the meal. But to me, cleaning is never an issue at all. I don’t mind the mess, with rice on the floor and the chair, oh, which kid doesn’t, at this age?! I did when I was that young (I believe)!
To Allan, chasing him out of the house is as good as sending a signal that he is not wanted and that (supposedly) should inflict some pain in the kid. To me, how can that ‘signal’ be sent across when the DOOR is kept opened and he could actually watch you working at the computer??!!! If that was the signal YOU (Allan) want to send, then the door should be closed! But then again, we can’t! So that’s why I flared up! Why in the world introduce a punishment that doesn’t make the kid come to a realisation of what is wrong?!! Keatkeat was enjoying his punishment!!!! And this punishment reminded my sister of a terrible childhood event. Go see her comments for yesterday’s post, under ‘Angela’. Allan knows about her experience and YET he doesn’t seem to ‘see’ the danger!
I am soooooo glad he didn’t eat lunch and dinner with us yesterday, after the big commotion on Monday. Cos (although) the kids took 1 and half hour to finish their rice, they had their meal, laughing and chatting with each other. You see, dear Angie, its not that I gave my boy MORE than he could manage, but he just prefer to eat at a slow pace. But still, I want to thank you for the suggestion. At least that shows how much you cared. Thank you, everyone of you, for your supportive words and wonderful suggestions too.
Though they took a long time to FINISH their food, they are happy! They are full! They have their little tum-tum (tummy)! And I like that~!
See the BIG PROBLEM here? The problem is NOT WHAT punishment should be given. The BIG PROBLEM is : Allan is punishing my boy for something which I think is PERFECTLY ALRIGHT! Now THAT’S the problem! I don’t want my boy to be punished for eating slowly!!!!
*Deep Breath* Its so stressful eating with him since one and half month ago. I MEANT ME! I feel so stressful eating with him and I hate that feeling!!! Does he know? He does! Like I’ve told you guys, I can’t bottle-up my unhappiness, I must let the person know how I feel, or I’ll RATHER jump down from an overhead bridge at the highway and let the cars knock me around like a pinball till I die horrendously!!!!
November 19th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
do you feel better now?? :)
why not the next time when you all dine out, when Allan has finished, asked him to go off first. walk around the neighbourhood, or if at food court, window shopping and once the boys are done, give him a call.
it’s really hard to change how a man is brought up and usually they have less patience than us, woman.
anyway, I still feel that both of you must come to an agreement bcuz it shld be a great bonding time having meals together, the laughter, the enjoyment of food.
perhaps, you shld ask him to read this post of yours to let him understand your reasons.
lings last blog post..Keyboard vs Keybox
November 19th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
cool it, angeline.:D
you cant change the man and you cant change the boys. not that you see the need to, anyway. but the man and the boys are both suffering in their own ways. and you too. so adjustment needs to be done somewhere so that everybody can come to a compromise.
Angies last blog post..On The Issue Of Plastic Bags and Discrimination
November 19th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Ling,
yes I do ask him to go walk-walk… but when he comes back after a walk which he thought was long-enough and yet the boys are still not done yet…aiyo! I believe your imaginations can help you through with that scene…..
November 19th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
oh dear…Allan seems an impatient dad…perhaps due to work pressure?…while you have a set of good values to uphold…why dont you suggest to leave this part of the discplining to you? then there would not be conflicting values?
contentedmoms last blog post..Jingle Bells!
November 19th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
hmm…tell him to go walk elsewhere again and longer time, or maybe ask him to bring his laptop (if he has) along whenever you all are out for a meal, so that everyone can have a nice day together, instead of grouching over the same issue.
must try to talk to him to work out a best solution which will benefit everyone, you, him and the boys.
my nephew and niece are slow eaters and so I can really imagine those scenes as I see it every weekdays we are over at my mum’s place for dinner. and my mum is the one who gets frustated over them!
lings last blog post..Keyboard vs Keybox
November 19th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
thanks for this post. I am relief and glad, that u disagree with your husband. Once a while, my boy takes a longer than usual to finish his food or simply say he is full even when we know he is not. Why? because the food doesn’t suit his taste. I m sure we eat more if we like the food and less when we don’t. same goes for the kids.
Our meal time normally last an hour or maybe more. and the french r famed for their 2 hours lunch! Dinner time is a time to eat and catch up on the day’s event. We love it.
Sometime I do wonder whether it is right for me to only cook the dish my boy like, there is a whole list of food that he simply doesn’t eat! I think i have come to term with it, he has a mind of his own, even when it comes to food.
Though he may be choosy with food, he rarely has problem finishing his meal. I was afraid that by forcing a child to eat what he dislikes may cause an aversion towards food and I think your sis is an eg. VERY SLOWLY, my boy will surprise us once a while, by trying new food.
Ultimately, I believe that meal time should be fun and not stressful. Maybe can let them get involved with food preparation? letting them learn how to feed themselves at young age might also help but I think you have gone through that stage. I think what u r doing now is great. just don’t kill their love for food but I do understand it can get frustrating when they take forever to swallow their food. I have come across kids who are like that.
Then again, whatever good or bad habit / behaviour the child displays may be a time for our own reflection.
Sorry, this is a long one!
4malmals last blog post..New Life
November 19th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
wow…didnt know eating can be that stressful!
well, angeline you can imagine i’ve to spoon-feed rachael and eating my portion at the same time…well usually it takes 1 hr to leave the dining table, sometimes more…used to be 15-30 mins tops!
anyway, eating together as a family should be an enjoyable one…hopefully it will be fun on the next meal :-)
November 20th, 2008 at 1:29 am
I haven’t emailed you the story yet! I plan to finish it in the next two days. If you want to let me know the right email address, email me at hairlinefracture [at] gmail [dot] com and I will reply to that email with the story attached.
November 20th, 2008 at 8:46 am
stay calm and cool girl…I think its a matter of view..as everyone is brought up differently..
(Guessed I’m the odd one here) like me, I actually quite agree with most of Allan’s thought except for his punishment..
I, too, only allow my kids to have soup during dinner time…if I allow them water, they will fill their tummy with all the liquid and left no room for food (basing on my experience with them)
I had stop feeding them since 2 years ago but if they really takes too long to finish and I’m rushing, I will have to “feed” them and they never like it (cos I don’t just feed, I stuff it in their MOUTH!) so usually when I start to “threathen” them that I gonna feed them, they will finished it in no time.
Blessed moms last blog post..15 weeks check up
November 20th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Good points you’ve got there. Kids should enjoy themselves at this young age.
November 20th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
wow..you are cool, Angeline :D
btw, don’t miss my post today. It is about Jason’s new bed.
November 20th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
wow, u r realy expert in this. thanks for sharing
November 20th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
I am with you about kids feeding themselves. I let Renae feed herself since she’s 2, she can finish her food without making any mess on the table or floor. Some times I watch my mother inlaw feeding her the mashed potato cooked with brown rice powder and veges, see her feeling wanna vomit out the food, heartache. She said that it’s good nutritions, but Renae have been eating that for 2 years, since she’s 4 months old! Sigh.
Siaw Lees last blog post..1?2?3?4?5?6?7?????????
November 21st, 2008 at 12:10 am
Guys are always the same, their patience always run out fast, maybe not all, but majority. Allowing the child learning to eat themselves is an act of independence, and that’s what childcare centre practices. But for me, my allowance for Zann is 30mins. After that, I discard those leftovers.
Chill, Mummy Angeline.
November 21st, 2008 at 8:14 pm
um, I don’t always like interjecting my two cents but here it is anyhow. It seems to me this is not an issue over food at all (for Allen – sorry Allen) but over control. And Allen might be able to win the battle now but he might be laying the groundwork for deep ceeded problems for your kids as they grow. I had taken my daughter to a pediatrician earlier, years ago, to ask about her issues of control. She warned me that it is very dangerous to try to micro-control eating issues. Often kids develope eating disorders later in life, anorexia or bulemia or over indulgence, as a way to assert their own need for control that their parents asserted while they were young.
This is my advice, set up simple rules. No one leaves the table until everyone has tried a portion of everything. When dinner’s over, everyone helps in cleaning and no one snacks after dinner for an alloted time period. If someone’s hungry then, remind them to eat more of their dinner next time. Eventually they’ll learn. And dinner should be enjoyable, not stressful. Who looks forward to sitting down to stress? Make the table a sacred space, a safe space, predictable. Everyone gets a time to share something important to them.
If you force it they’re not learning anything, they will simply be evading the punishment. That’s not learning. (Hope this helps. Maybe investigate eating issues on-line while involving Allen? Oh, and really there’s no problem with drinking while eating. That’s simply preferential. If I had to eat without drinking I’m afraid I wouldn’t bother eating. I’d go mad.)
November 21st, 2008 at 9:13 pm
I undersstand what u are goign thru… Yuvan is also a relatively slow eater n often what he gets to hear is ” swalllowwwwww ..” but i too let him choose what he wants to eats i do beleive in that.. even at home with the two gravies n one veggie or whatever i cook he gets to choose what he wants to eat… Drinkign n eating can be togther…as long as he finishes his food n enjoys food.. mm..i still agree that punishment is not the way.but don worry everythign will fall in its place.. m happy that the kids enjoyed their meal yesterday :) relax……
November 21st, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Wow! I think your husband and mine would be best friends!! I thought it was because he and I are from different cultures! We have the same arguments as you do.
My mother was tortured as a child at dinner time so growing up my mother would always eat by herself away from the family. I made it a rule to make family dinners as fun as possible, but my husband is so impatient when it comes to the children. If they drop food he nearly freaks out! I tell him, “they are just kids, dropping food is normal, you yell at them like you caught them smoking crack!” He is getting better.
ambers last blog post..The Last Legion
November 25th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I hope you feel better now dear.. HUGS!! BIG HUGS!!!
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