Heavy Hearted
Child, Parenting, Special Moments November 5th, 2008Thank you for the well-wishes and maybe because there were so many of them, that’s why I’m so much better today that I could visit a few of you and be typing here now. Thank you.
I should have posted this yesterday, but I didn’t cos I didn’t want to think too much, tummy too painful to help my brain to function properly.
It was yesterday morning, 4th November, I merely said to Allan as a passing sentence, nothing emotional, in a rather dead tone, “Today is my mother’s birthday.” Without a second thought, he said, “Ok, Let’s go!” It was unexpected. I did not even have that thought in mind. It was just a statement.
My heart was stirred. To some people, its not right. I’m a bad girl, a bad daughter. For those of you who have read My Story, you probably understand a little better for my reaction. But then, I thought, “Its Time. I’m ready for ‘those’ questions from my boys.”
Ever since my aunt passed away earlier this year, I’ve already educated my boys about death. For those of you who think you might have a problem explaining death to your kid, you may want to read how I did it, just for reference purposes.
When we were in the car, Keatkeat asked, “Mommy, where are we going?” “To see my Papa and Mama because today is my Mama’s birthday.” I replied plainly. “Oh, you missed her ah?” he asked naturally. The only reply you could hear was the sound of the car’s engine……
Yes, my boys knew that my parents were dead. But I’ve never brought them to their grave. I merely showed them photos. So this is the first time they ‘met’.
We bought 2 hand-held windmills for my Papa and a bunch of artificial roses for my Mama, its her favourite red roses. They are about 5mins-car-drive away from each other. My Papa was buried while my Mama was cremated.
We stood at my Mama’s ‘condominium’. I asked the boys if they wanted to say, “Happy Birthday Por Por”, Keatkeat did without hesitation. Binbin didn’t want to at first, until just before we left, he said in his husky voice, “Por Por, Happy Birthday.” My kids could have had the chance to speak to her before she died, but I didn’t give them that chance. That’s the most controversial part I guess. That’s another story by itself.
Then we popped over to my Papa’s ‘landed property’ and put down the 2 windmills, one on each side of his tombstone. They said, “Hello, Gong Gong.” before they got themselves busy with making the windmill move, it was a wind-less day. And before they left, it was a happy, “Bye bye Gong Gong!”
And that was it. Those words my boys said to my Papa and Mama was one of the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard, yet they were piercing through my heart like sharp blades. God was kind, maybe He knew that I’m still not ready for the questions.
Those questions that I’m most afraid to answer….will come, I know they will, from the mouth of my boys and when I tell the truth, they may not like what they hear, they may judge me, they may even feel ashamed of their mommy…. till that day comes… for now, I’ll just stay dumb about this, a dark truth kept in the rusty, locked-up treasure chest, hidden deep down, deep down in a corner of my heart….
November 6th, 2008 at 12:05 am
*hugz*
lings last blog post..From A Distance
November 6th, 2008 at 12:47 am
Time will heal…though nt completely. I’m sharing tears with u.
physiomoms last blog post..went Hunting for Ipoh Famous Kaya Kok….fruitful mission!
November 6th, 2008 at 1:39 am
I’m so sorry. Both of my parents have passed away too. My mother 12 years ago and my father 6 years ago. It’s still hard at times, I miss them a lot.
Tammys last blog post..
November 6th, 2008 at 5:45 am
Taking your boys to the cemetary is a really big step. Just tell your children more as you feel more comfortable. You don’t even have to tell them everything if you don’t want to.
Melissas last blog post..Change We Can Believe In
November 6th, 2008 at 8:02 am
They are good kids. In time…
Anns last blog post..A moment of silence
November 6th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Oh, pass the tissues. I felt this one. So good of you to bring your boys. It’s good for them to see that death is a natural extension of life, not something to be feared, but something to be accepted. So smart you mama. The rest will come in time and in your telling it your boys will understand.
November 6th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Hi. Time will heal all wounds. Give your boys time to grow up and in time, they will understand. Take heart that you are giving them the love that you miss and you are a good mother. Keep up the good job and persevere. I’m still learning.
Babynmes last blog post..Julie’s and Omodo Cream Crackers Banned in Thailand for Melamine
November 6th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
*HUGS* I think it is good that you brought them to visit your parents. Let bygone be bygone…..
LZmommys last blog post..I Am Ready For Beanie’s Arrival
November 6th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
*hug hug* agree with LZmommy..it good that you brought them there..they are already gone..let it pass…
actually, i’m just as bad. for years, I did not visit my dad, nor my grandparents’ tombs (my grandparents brought me up)..for my case, I just to lazy. Maybe I should move my butts.
blessed mums last blog post..Bird’s Week
November 7th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
*Big hug*
Take your time… when you feel that your boys are ready, then tell them. I believe they’ll understand in time to come. Take care..
November 7th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Am so sorry to hear that.. do take care.. Over time, I’m sure you won’t feel that bad… *hugs*
stings last blog post..My Heart Almost Stopped!
November 8th, 2008 at 1:13 am
Oh hon….That’s tough…But your kids have a wonderful momma!!! ;)So I’m pretty sure that when that day comes, you’ll handle it very well.
xoxo
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