I have been unhappy for too long to keep quiet about this.
I miss my ‘old’ Binbin.

The Binbin who is always cheerful and greets people with a big smile.
The Binbin who wakes up smiling every morning.
The Binbin who does things Fast and Well.
The Binbin who listens to instructions and do as he is told.
The Binbin who has a body made of steel and hardly wail out loud even when he is bleeding, only silent tearing.
The Binbin who eats fast and finishes all there is on his plate/bowl.
The Binbin who is willing to try new food or drink.
The Binbin who is never shy to walk up to a stranger and ask questions.
The Binbin who never uses a rude or harsh tone when he talks.
The Binbin who hardly complains because he is always saying positive things like “Jiayou!” (don’t give up, move on)

Yes, that was my Binbin; you can read the post “Dedicated To My Son – Binbin” and you can tell how hard it is for me not to love that little fellow. Though the post was made just before he turned three, his character then was pretty much the same for him for the next 2 years too.

Yes, the unpleasant change came when he turned 5. The time when Keatkeat started his Primary School life. Am I blaming on Keatkeat? No, I am blaming myself for not being able to help Keatkeat snap out of his ‘dreamy’ self after almost 2 years in Primary School.

When Keatkeat started Primary One last year, I left him alone to handle his studies for the first six months. I believe in letting the child grows at his/her own pace first. If he/she can handle = Good! If he/she has shown through his/her results that help is needed, then I will step in.

Six months! His school teachers for every subject complained to us that he is too dreamy and is always in his own world during lesson time, so much so that he is not able to perform as he is required by his teacher. He will miss out instructions and hence would not hand in what is needed or would do the wrong worksheets or answer the wrong questions.

So ever since those complains came flooding in, I stepped in for English and Maths, while Allan stepped in for Chinese. But Allan’s bad temper had made Keatkeat dislike Chinese to the core! Read this post from my personal blog “Red Hot Temper” to know how bad it was. So even though he did this to salvage the situation later, the damage was already done.

So I am teaching three subjects and I would ask Allan to step in only when my patience has been sucked dry by Keatkeat.

And because of all of Keatkeat’s bad habits, one simple worksheet can take up to 2 hours! Imagine when he has one worksheet for each subjects! I hardly have time for anything else! I need to sit beside him to keep calling his soul back from outer space!

In the beginning, Binbin who always does his worksheets fast, ended up playing alone and got bored really fast. Then he would come to me, “Mummy, can you play with me?” “Sorry, I can’t baby. Your GorGor needs me here.” will be my usual reply and he would walk away with his head down.

As time goes on, Binbin’s time-alone got longer and longer. And that was when the HUGE CHANGE for the Worse began. He started to become the opposite of the ‘Good‘ list written above in the beginning of this blog post.

He began to cry very easily.
He is always grumpy.
He complains more than anything else.
He is rude and speaks with a bossy tone.
He no longer greets people without being told to do so.
He has become very violent.
He is unable to control his emotions when he gets too excited and end up with injuries.
He has become very petty and gets angry over the slightest thing.
He has become more stubborn than before and refused to listen to whatever that is not inline with what he believes is right.
He still tries to argue his way round, even though he realised he is in the wrong.
He starts to do all sorts of absurd things just to get my attention, even if it means he would get scolded.

I understand why he did what he did, because I have to agree that I have swung from the ‘have lots of play time with him‘, to ‘ZERO time with him‘.

I REALLY do NOT like this Enormous Change in Binbin over the past 1 year plus.

Only during RARE OCCASIONS or RARE MOMENTS does he go back to his ‘old’ lovable self.

And so I have started to scold him 100x more than before. Until that day he shouted at me as he wailed, “Stop Scolding Me! You Don’t Scold Me Last Time! You Always Say I Am Your Good Boy! Now You Scold Me All The Time! I Am Very SAD!” and he ran into the bedroom and cried his heart out.

My heart bled.
I am unhappy.

Very unhappy because I could not find a solution to this till Keatkeat can snap out of his ridiculous outerspace fantasies during worksheet time.

I missed cuddling him in bed and chit chat for hours.
I missed seeing him giggle and laugh heartily.
I missed his positive self and carrying a smile on his face.
I missed his sharing and caring personality.
I missed his maturity and understanding character.
I missed the ‘old’ Binbin badly…..

Binbin is what he is today because I have neglected him. Because he is so independent, I took for granted and I am so terribly wrong!!!

So I have decided to make a big change. I have started to make a cautious effort to be with Binbin ALONE, just the two of us, for at least an hour each day and hope its good enough. Even if it means I have a pile of stinky clothes yet to wash, a floor sticky and dusty, a blog left untouched….

I will live with regret if years down the road I realised I could have done something earlier to stop the ‘decay’ in Binbin and I didn’t….

Mummy loves you Bin…

I miss my ‘old’ Binbin