Parenting does Hurt Marriage
Child, Handling Misbehaviour, Parenting, Preschool November 18th, 2008….sometimes….
and it did yesterday night. It was back to the same old issue. This is probably THE only issue that Allan and I just can’t come to an agreement on.
You see, Allan and I hardly argue over anything. Yes, we have our disagreement sometimes, but we are never at each other’s throat….hmmm… but it seems that this just might be the very first.
Punishment started to be introduced some weeks back. First, it was taking away privilleges. Then it was ‘quiet corner’ and yesterday he made Keatkeat stand outside the house! Yes, I know the link on top ‘the same old issue’ is more on Binbin and I did mention that “so far Keatkeat is more or less out of this category of ‘slow eaters’, so no issues on my 4year old.” in that post. But these few weeks, Keatkeat was NOT HIMSELF. He eats slower than his already-very-slow-eater-bro.
Sometimes it can take over an hour! The food just stays in the mouth, no biting, no chewing and obviously no swallowing.
This was what happened during yesterday’s lunch. Allan put a stop-watch on their mini-dining table. 20mins. Binbin reacted very fast, in the good way. He sped up and was left with one spoonful of rice just before it beeps. Allan said he recognised the effort that Binbin put in and so he was not punished.
I was unhappy about this. To me, rules are rules. If you said, “when you can’t finish your rice before the beep, you’ll have to get out of the house.” Even if its one spoonful, Binbin still failed the mission, hence he should be punished too! (not that I love to see my kids being punished) But its unfair to Keatkeat!
In 20mins, Keatkeat merely stuffed 4 mouthful of rice. Obviously his plate still seem quite untouched. He cried. He kept saying, “But Binbin didn’t finish his rice too.” Anyhow, my Keatkeat is a very unusually-matured boy, he just opened the door himself and stood outside the house. Allan kept the door opened. The punishment lasted for 15-20mins.
My rule of the thumb is “never interfere at the point of punishment” no matter how unsupportive I am. ‘cos I don’t want my kids to see an angel and a devil. It took great efforts to establish their ‘happy’ father and son relationship – see my post on ‘Anti-Dad’ back in January this year.
But when dinner comes. Boy oh boy! I can’t stand it anymore! Though I know Allan will never let the boy sleep outside the house for the night, although he said that. But I don’t like my neighbours to be involved. You see, my neigbours are out for work in the afternoon (obviously), but they are back in the evening. They are a bunch of nice people, often very caring and sharing. It would be a surprise if they didn’t come over with questions…. I don’t like that.
It was 20mins again. Keatkeat was stuffing till he got choked and on the verge of vomitting…..
I can’t stand the sight, I just yelled, ” For goodness sake! Why introduce such punishment!!!!?”
“Ahhh… what the F***! Whatever I do is never right?! Isn’t it ridiculous? The speed that he is eating?! Ahhh…I’m not gonna care anymore! Do whatever you (referring to my 5year old and me) like! I’m not gonna care!” Allan shouted back and stormed to the PC desk.
Hey hey where did that come from???! When in the world did I say, “Whatever you do is never right?!” Anyway, I got my point across. That’s all I wanted and badly needed.
I didn’t care too, leaving Keatkeat really confused – “so am I going out of the house now?” or “do I still need to finish my rice?.” I’m sorry boy… I wanted to be occupied with something else, so I just got Binbin ready for bed…. and I fell asleep as I patted his bum.
This morning, Allan was out early, didn’t get to see him at all… but I know we’ll be fine, I just know it will be….
(some of you ask if Allan reads my blog. Actually he doesn’t, only when I asked him to read a particular post like the one on our 8th wedding anniversary. So he’ll probably not get to read this either. Whatever it is, that’s fine with me.)
November 18th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Well. To an extend, I do agreed with you. With the arrival of Ryan, we have one more subject to argue over. My wife has a very soft spot for those that she loves dearly and hence can’t stand to see them suffered. When Ryan is too cranky, I will resort to letting him sleep to the bed and yell his lungs out, while wife would rebute and quickly pick him up. It’s the same with Zoewe, our toy poodle when I tried to discipline her. But then again, it’s because we care too much and have our own manner of how the child (or pet in my case as well) is to be brought up and disciplined. At the end of the day, a sorry and kiss kiss to make up.
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November 18th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
oh dear..I am so sorry to read this…poor boys and poor you. Allan meant well but I would not handle it the way he had though. Instilling fear may sometimes backfire! Perhaps it is due to the type of food….my kids have the same problem when they eat certain types of food..cos they simply dont like it..E.g. nicole doenst eat rice but she fares well with pasta or noodle..so she would normally have pasta or noodle for lunch instead of rice… perhaps you could try giving them their favourite carbo
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November 18th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Well, perhaps it is a combination of parental stress and wanting the best out of your kids. Don’t take it too hard on yourself and don’t blame Allan either. I’m sure everything will work out fine.
November 18th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Men, usually speak without filtering through his mind and I agree, parenting does hurt relationship. So you are not alone and I am sure today will be a sunny day for both of you. *hugz*
November 18th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Maybe hes not hungry so he takes his time to finish his meal?
maybe all should discuss on a punishment before putting it into action? I feel he should talk to you first before starting this new rule. Both must stay on the same ground & understand why such rule is implemented.
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November 18th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Jasmine,
did you read that post which I did link it in the very beginning of this post, if you didn’t, here’s the link http://allaboutyourchild.com/parenting/eat-faster-please
after reading this, you have a better idea for this post.
its a clash of view regarding this issue. We do discuss over how our kids should be punish for different misbehaviour, but for this issue, its completely different because I AM PERFECTLY FINE WITH SLOW EATING, but Allan is NOT!
See the big problem? Allan is punishing him for something I don’t think is wrong!!!!
So its unlike any other misbehaviour, for this its the parents problem, not Keatkeat.
November 18th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
oh at last some ugly issue about couples appearing on the blog which I thght only me is suffering especially with 4 kids, i nid to bear 4 X the arguements. Really ring a bell. I’m always the soft& grumpy pot whinning about the problems i face with kids while He will be the disciplinary master . When he implements reules & i interfere…that’s it…tsunami at home almost everyday..over small issues about kids. I hate it whenever he says “You see your kids are learning frm you..(.as if He is perfect meh?)
physiomoms last blog post..Last Sunday 9 Nov 08- Gotong Royong
November 18th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Somehow this seems familiar. Reminds me of the incident where my aunt locked me in the toilet when I can’t finish my food. I can only remember 3 reasons why I can’t finish my food. 1) food taste horrible 2) there is too much food on the plate 3) it is too dry and makes it difficult to swallow and I eat slower than usual.
I don’t think such punishments are necessary. Based on my experience, it will cause adverse effects because I grew to hate meal times. I know I will be punished because I can never finish the food.
Give the kid what he likes rather than forcing him to swallow nasty food. Just like what contentedmom said, giving them their favorite carbo might be a better option.
November 18th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
I must confess that i am not a very patient mother. if my child takes 5mins to swallow a spoonful of rice, i will probably blow my top and pour the entire bowl of rice on her head. :D but i disagree to punish the child for eating slowly. punishment shd only be used when the child continues to do something which he had already been warned b4 that it is wrong to do so. that is what clement and i agreed upon. perhaps to ease both allan’s and keatkeat’s frustration, you may like to give keatkeat a smaller portion at closer intervals. how about bringing a tupperware out next time you have dine out, and pack the leftover rice. when he is hungry, you just need to heat it up for him.
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November 19th, 2008 at 12:40 am
Arguments over discipline is a common problem among parents. Aidan is a very slow eater also, but as long as he eats then I’m happy.
November 19th, 2008 at 1:46 am
I am so sorry to read this. It is difficult when disagreements surface between parents. Pls know that u are not alone in this, one of the sources of conflicts in marriage is in the area of disciplining the kids. Thought that Angie’s suggestion is great… maybe can give it a try? Give Keatkeat a smaller portion of food?
November 19th, 2008 at 2:45 am
It’s hard when the parents have a different view of which behaviors should be punished. Justin is much more bothered by the slow eating than I am. Mostly our kids will go ahead and eat when we keep putting bites in their mouths. If not, I tell them dinner is over and when they are hungry they can finish their dinner. They like to have a bedtime snack so they usually finish dinner right then. When you and Allan talk, you may want to point out that having too much stress and punishment may cause dinner time to be a bad time for the family instead of a peaceful time.
Alisons last blog post..Week in Review, 119–11/15
November 19th, 2008 at 2:57 am
Oh dear…Don’t worry…I know you guys will be fine…
Me and hubby have arguments of our own…I try to stick with the same idea as you (what one says , goes) but sometimes it’s very hard….*big sigh*
xoxoxo
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November 19th, 2008 at 10:47 am
I am sure you guys would be fine. I don’t have kids but I can imagine the tension in such situations.
My husband does not read my blog as well. Yeah .. he only does it when I tell him to do so. Disappointing is it not? The whole world is my audience … except him??
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November 19th, 2008 at 11:04 am
nothing to worry or upset dear..I’m sure you two will be ok by now..hubby & i have our arguments too and once we simmer down, everything is back to normal.
As for the punishment, I felt the same as Allan..Binbin puts in effort to try his fastest to finish up the food, so we should “close one eye” but keatkeat didn’t, thus, he need to be “punished”. But I don’t support the punishment of chasing the kids out of the house..its embarassing for both parents and child, and also, it might bring across the wrong message..when he grows older, he might just leave the house if “punished”…
one hour to finish dinner is nothing..my girl can take up to 2 hours if I don’t step in!! That’s even more unacceptable!
November 19th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Talking about finishing the meals on time. 1hr is very fast.. my boys can take up to 2-3hrs daily just to finish dinner (which is a very small bowl) as compared to the amount their peers are eating.
I sometimes think that guys lack understanding when it comes to disciplining kids and that they use it as an excuse to indirectly vent their stress on the mom too.
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November 19th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Im sorry my dear… i believe you and hubby will find that agreement ground very soon. Hugs!
November 19th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Some wisdom from a grandma:
Children’s little tummies know how much food they need and they will even PICK food with the vitamins and minerals they are lacking. Force feeding is not good. Children should eat when they are hungry, not when they are not. Eating slow is good. They should eat till they are full, then stop. Sometimes they don’t want to eat… and thats OK. Obese children are eating the wrong foods and eating too fast. Food shouldn’t be a disipline issue.
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November 20th, 2008 at 12:05 am
I think there are times where every couple do have argument. Hope you guys will be able to resolve this.
As for KeatKeat taking his time to eat, don’t worry too much about it. My girl used to be like that too till I nag at her that P1 they only have half hour to eat. :) She is now better and able to eat much faster and also with the influence from Z, she eats faster too. Hope BinBin will influence KeatKeat too.
November 20th, 2008 at 10:16 am
I agree with you. I think the communication between the husband and the wife is the key. On parenting, they need to plan ahead of time carefully and reach some agreement on important issues, while for missing parts, they can discuss later on and update the parenting agreement.
November 21st, 2008 at 12:14 am
hope everything is alright now.
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November 21st, 2008 at 4:23 am
I tend to agree with you that slow eating is not something that he should be punished for. You may in the end cause him to have eating disorders or as others have said to hate dinner time and form resentments.
I am sure you will get it worked out. Good luck!
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November 21st, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Hey ANgel..I agree with u… punsishment must not be for slow eating..some kids are like that…They can pick up gradually..what i learned thru my years is..we ( me n my bro) used to get punished by my Dad ..but ultimately most of things we wd be doing jus for the fear of punishment n not realising the actual fact of it.. that i dunn wanna happen …Cheer up… ANgel!